I am not one that allows myself to be vulnerable and so open for everyone to see. But if my journey can help one person going through this pain, then at least there is something positive that can come from this. This journal is something I am documenting in case I need reminders or that later I can come back to. As painful as this is, I don’t want to forget the pain and the blessings of others who have stopped their lives with us the moment they heard, to be with us, and the blessings God has been showing us through all this.
October. The days and months keep marching on, almost feeling like I’m on a fast train and I can’t get off. How did we get to October when it feels like we just learned of TJ’s passing. Time is so unreal right now because we hit the 3 month mark when TJ went to heaven. Its been 3 months! And at the same time, it has been 3 months! Those who know, know what that means.
Everything still feels so surreal. Several years ago I took a personality test. On that test measured where I am as far as an introvert or extrovert. Interestingly, I learned that I am right in the middle, leaning either way depending on my environment and company. During this time of mourning I certainly feel that introvert coming through as I find it difficult to go places, be around a lot of people, noise, etc. I try not isolate myself, yet I find it is easy to do.
I am so thankful for my circle of friends and family that keep track of me, calling me out when they see I am isolating myself and lovingly push me to continue on. God has so blessed me with those who are the physical vision of what the One, True, Living God is all about! They are certainly His hands and feet, showing the heart of God by loving, encouraging, supporting and just being there for me.
“I will lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of the heavens and the earth.” Psalm 121:1
Dear Father in Heaven, holy, holy, holy is Your name! You are the Lover of my soul, my Redeemer, my Savior, the King of kings and the Lord of lords! You are the Great I Am, my Healer and my Comforter. Thank you that Your will is perfect, though I may not understand it at times, I still trust in You. Your ways are certainly not my ways because Your’s is so much higher than mine.
Thank You Lord for ALWAYS meeting my every need! Your faithfulness in supplying my mental, emotional, physical, financial and spiritual needs have always been in Your perfect way and timing! Your grace is sufficient for me!
Forgive me, Father, when I doubt You, and not pressing into You. Forgive me when I feel the loss and loneliness and allow my mind to take over. Help me to forgive others as You forgive me! And help me, Lord, to grieve healthfully, giving You praise for never leaving TJ nor our family; for drawing close to us. Thank You, Lord, for trusting and giving us TJ and being part of his life for 34 years! Our life on this earth is not promised, but You promise Your children everlasting life to all who believe and trust in You after this life is over! Be with those who have lost sons and daughters and bring them Your comfort and peace that only You can give! May the joy of the Lord be their strength. Thank you for these parents and the bond that we share with them so we can be there for each other. You have come to give us life and have it abundantly! Thank You for that, and help us see and feel that even through our grief.
Lord, I ask for Your angels to surround our family and protect us! Guide and direct every step we take, every breath we breathe and every word spoken. Thank You that this separation is temporary! Thank You for Your hope! May we bring honor and glory to Your holy Name in all we say and do! All in Jesus Name, Amen!
“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise ye the Lord! Psalm 150:6