I am not one that allows myself to be vulnerable and so open for everyone to see. But if my journey can help one person going through this pain, then at least there is something positive that can come from this. This journal is something I am documenting in case I need reminders or that later I can come back to. As painful as this is, I don’t want to forget the pain and the blessings of others who have stopped their lives with us the moment they heard, to be with us, and the blessings God has been showing us through all this.
The longer TJ is gone, the more real it seems. We are in September now. A new month. We are changing seasons, too, soon the fall season begins, which I love. However, each time we start a new month, and now with a new season, we are starting that without TJ being here. Another reminder he is gone. I don’t even want to think of the holidays coming up…
Music is what speaks to me. Having taught piano for 19 years always left a song in my head. I truly loved each of my students. I always looked forward to their lessons. Some students used to share with me some of the stress they were experiencing in their lives. We would stop the lesson for a few minutes and they were free to share as much or as little as they wanted to as to what was going on. One thing about the piano, when you are stressed, you can really take it out on the piano. The piano is a great way to work out stress. You can bang out any song you are working on and the piano can handle it. Play until you feel better, is what I would suggest to my students. Especially using a piano rather than a keyboard, playing hard and loud will not hurt it and sometimes you just need to do that. Since we have downsized our home considerably, I do not have my baby grand piano to do that any more! Sometimes I really feel the need to rip through those piano keys to work things out.
I am learning to pay attention. When something is coming up, I’ve noticed God preparing me. For two to three months, songs get stuck in my head. Songs that don’t last a day or two, but weeks. It starts out with one song that I wake up in the morning already “playing” in my head. It stays there all day, for days to weeks, and to months. Sometimes it continues, but like in March, when this started again, another song was stuck playing in my head, and then another and another. Interestingly, He has given me new songs that I don’t know all the words to yet. But when the Lord places it in my mind, I have all the words whether it’s the whole song or just the chorus. This time He has given me older songs. I asked, “Lord, why are You giving me these songs? Are you reminding me who You are because I am going to need reminders? Is something going to happen to our family?” The songs that I continued to hear in my head were: “The Goodness of God” by Bethel Music; “Your Grace is Enough” by Chris Tomlin; “Overwhelmed” by Big Daddy Weave; “Blessed Be Your Name” by Tree63; and “Lord I Need You” by Matt Maher.
God has been known to give me songs for different seasons I go through in my life, which really makes that season so much richer that has a song attached to it. Later, it brings all the memories and feelings of that time right back. It is a bitter sweet moment that I have with the Lord, and I find comfort in that as I am reminded of His goodness, and how He saw me through that time and now be on the other side, seeing the outcome. I find that music really helps my emotional health.
When my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease many years ago, while visiting my parents, I noticed that they were joking a lot. They both had a good sense of humor, however this seemed different, there was so much more. So while I am watching and listening to them they noticed my quizzical look. My mother explained to me that with his diagnosis it is too easy to get caught up in that. They wanted to bring more laughter in their life to help them get through what they will eventually face. That always stuck in my mind.
During our travel to Wyoming, I reminded Tom about my parents wanting to make sure they laugh more especially after knowing what my dad was dealing with. We agreed we can’t laugh a lot like they did when they found out his news that wasn’t very hopeful. However we agreed to make it a point to try to laugh three times a day. We have to find something to laugh about, even if we have to find something funny to watch on a show or movie, if we don’t have the capacity to be funny. We have found some days are easier than others, but we try.
Today I am thankful for music! Words and melodies put together by others to describe what I am thinking/feeling. I’m thankful that God is a personal God! There’s a lot of trauma, pain and hurts in this world. Unfortunately, a lot of times, God gets blamed for the bad in this world. But the Creator who created us doesn’t want to hurt us. He wants to strengthen us. He wants to show us His hope. He wants us to find His peace and joy. And the only way we can do that is by pressing into Him, especially when it’s hard! I am reminded of Psalm 23:4, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23 is so rich showing how God takes care of our every need in the whole chapter! We are not alone, He IS with us! When we seek Him, we will find Him!
Parts of the songs listed above:
“The Goodness of God” I love You, Lord. For Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, Until I lay my head, Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God. All my life You have been faithful. And all my life You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God. I love Your voice, You have led me through the fire. In the darkest night, You are close like no other. I’ve known You as a Father, I’ve known You as a Friend, and I have lived in the goodness of God. And all my life You have been faithful! And all my life You have been so, so good! With every breath that I am able, Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.
“Your Grace is Enough” So remember Your people. Remember Your children, Remember Your promise, O God! Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough for me! Yeah, Your grace is enough! Heaven reaching down to us! Your grace is enough for me! Your grace is enough, I’m covered in Your love, Your grace is enough for me!
“Overwhelmed” I delight myself in You. Captivated by Your beauty! I’m overwhelmed! I’m overwhelmed by You! And God, I run into Your arms, Unashamed because of mercy, I’m overwhelmed! I’m overwhelmed by You! I delight myself in You. In the glory of Your presence, I’m overwhelmed! I’m overwhelmed by You. God, I run into Your arms, Unashamed because of mercy, I’m overwhelmed! I’m overwhelmed by You. I delight myself in You. In the glory of Your presence, I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You! God, I run into your arms, Unashamed because of mercy, I’m overwhelmed! I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You!
“Blessed Be Your Name” Blessed be Your name, In the land that is plentiful, when Your streams of abundance flow, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be Your name, When I’m found in the desert place, Though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord, Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name! Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be the glorious name! Blessed be Your name, When the sun’s shining down on me, When the world’s all as it should be, Blessed be Your name! Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there’s pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name! Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise! When the darkness closes in, Lord, Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be Your name! Blessed be Your glorious name! You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!
“Lord, I Need You” Lord, I need You, oh, I need you! Every hour, I need You! My one defense, my righteousness, Oh God, how I need You!
To be honest, I have been struggling lately. But as I am writing in the phrases to these songs, I am uplifted! I turned on my playlist to type the lyrics in while it is playing and the music has shifted the atmosphere! And that’s what music does for me!