I am not one that allows myself to be vulnerable and so open for everyone to see. But if my journey can help one person going through this pain, then at least there is something positive that can come from this. This journal is something I am documenting in case I need reminders or that later I can come back to. As painful as this is, I don’t want to forget the pain and the blessings of others who have stopped their lives with us the moment they heard, to be with us, and the blessings God has been showing us through all this.
I have taken my health and wellness very serious over the last several years. What I have learned is that this journey changes like seasons change. Each season and even daylight savings time affects our health and wellness and we need to make changes accordingly. As I go through life, and when life happens, I also take note how that is affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
The most obvious for me, at least in this moment is my physical health, because my physical health can affect my mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. So for me, this is where I start. Making sure I eat wholesome, nourishing foods that my body needs, and staying hydrated, though it seems more of chore for me lately. I remind myself daily to eat and drink. Thanks to Nancy for keeping up with my nutritional needs.
My workout routine is nothing what it has been. With lack of sleep, I find it difficult to get up in the mornings as I am unable to sleep throughout the whole night, like I did before we heard of the news of the passing of our beloved son, TJ. Recognizing that my body needs to rest, I let it. I find a lot of things I do now is in a slower pace, rather than fast or high speeds that I’m used to. For instance, when I do go for a bike ride, I no longer leave Tom in the dust as he enjoys a leisurely ride. My pace, it seems in all that I do, is slow and maybe more intentional now.
I am also very cognizant of my lymphatic system. I have learned so much in the last couple of years of this very important body system, thanks to Lindsay! Her lymphatic drainage massages are amazing and very helpful in keeping the lymph fluid flowing so it doesn’t become stagnant. Having stagnant lymph fluid may cause inflammation, pain, illness and disease. Lindsay teaches her clients how they can keep their lymphatic system flowing through many means, including red light therapy, vibration plate, dry brushing, etc.
The nervous system, I believe, may be the first system that gets attacked at the first sign of trauma. I watched Tom’s nervous system go into shock when he learned before I did about TJ. When I learned the news, I felt my whole body affected by the phone call. Avoiding the pain of devastating news is not healthy. In order to begin the healing process, the pain must be felt and dealt with. What does this mean?
At the news, that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach rose, my heart was literally broke, my body was shaking and through tears words were hard to understand. Sometimes when our nervous system is compromised, the pain can be localized; other times it can be felt in several locations. I have learned the healthy way to feel pain is by recognizing the location. Starting with my core, because the pit of my stomach is painful. (And just maybe the pain in my core is really in my womb where I carried TJ for 9 months). By hugging my core where it hurts and recognizing the feelings I have there and acknowledge those feelings. I think of why I hurt the way I do. It’s because my son is gone, I won’t hear from him saying, “Hey Mom…” again, his laugh, our long, deep conversations, hearing his hopes and dreams. Then I look for what I am grateful for that he has brought me, bringing back memories of his lifetime, and our family unit. I ask the Holy Spirit, my Comforter, to come and bring comfort to my pain as I continue to hold my core. I thank God for the life He trusted us in bringing TJ’s life into this world, concentrating on the pregnancy, the joy of starting our family, and all the memories that come to mind of our TJ. And then I notice the pain subsides. Not that it’s gone forever, but every time I do this, it doesn’t seem to take as long to feel comforted. If those other areas are still in pain, then I work on another area doing the same thing as earlier, and continue doing that until the pain is gone.
I know that I will never get over losing my son. When you truly love someone, how can you get over it? You don’t. Our life changed the moment we heard and now we cling to the memories and know that in heaven, TJ is having the time of his life, incomparable to this life on earth. And because of that, I do not wish him back here, but excited for our reunion someday!
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My (Jesus) peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Songs that help me when I go to bed at night:
The chorus of “Lord, I Need You,” by Matt Maher – “Lord, I need You, oh, I need You, Every hour (and sometimes every minute), I need You, My one defense, my righteousness, Oh God, how I need you”
The chorus of “Whom Shall I Fear”, by Chris Tomlin – “I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies is always by my side. The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine, the God of angel armies, Is always by my side.”