I am not one that allows myself to be vulnerable and so open for everyone to see. But if my journey can help one person going through this pain, then at least there is something positive that can come from this. This journal is something I am documenting in case I need reminders or that later I can come back to. As painful as this is, I don’t want to forget the pain and the blessings of others who have stopped their lives with us the moment they heard, to be with us, and the blessings God has been showing us through all this.
Grief. It has so many faces. Grief. Everybody does it differently. Grief. So I have been told and read that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief. It never goes away, you learn to live with grief and without your loss. Grief. It can strengthen us.
Grief has definitely affected my mental health. As a business owner, I use my calculator regularly, and sometimes I can do the math in my head. But now, my mental capacity cannot be depended on. I find that even the simplest calculations on the calculator gives me such a different answer each time that none of them make any sense. Even making simple decisions are daunting to me. It is so much hard work, taking up so much brain power. I rely now on a select few to just tell me what to do.
I have to take myself and my situation out of the equation to be able to think through clearly. If someone walked in through my door needing suggestions for whatever they are going through, I give them ideas between products and services offered at Herbalty Cottage, or even elsewhere. I love the challenge when those that come in and start on a program designed specifically for them and they keep me informed with their progress as to improvements they are noticing, and/or what their health professional is seeing. But when it comes to me, I become paralyzed. Nothing comes to mind as to what I can do to help myself. However, if I don’t think this is me, but just a random person coming in and telling me what they are going through, I have ideas.
Tom and I have been using Heartland Organics Lions Mane coffee, which I carry in the shop. We have been using it for several months and is a good addition to Herbalty Cottage. Lions Mane has been known to be great for brain health; such as brain fog, memory, improving focus, nerve, heart, liver and kidney health, boosting immune system and so much more. Especially when we first found out about TJ’s passing, I could not even think through to do anything. I know I’m still not myself, but I do notice that there is improvement, still I don’t trust my judgment yet. I also have teas from my herbs that I have put together for memory and focus.
I have committed to taking a mental health day one day per week from the shop, just to let my mind decompress and body to relax. Not that I take the whole day, but maybe a couple of hours or an afternoon. By stepping outside the building, maybe getting some ice cream (the real dairy kind of ice cream, of course), going out for lunch, going to the lake to put my feet in, walking barefoot in the grass for more of the grounding that I am desperately needing right now, are just a few things that I have done so far. I am also looking for more ideas and suggestions.
Having my tribe, which is my circle of friends and family close by, has been extremely helpful. Planning things for the future as well with them offers hope again. Seeing my grandchildren, their innocence and wonder amazes me and takes the attention off myself and again, giving me hope as I watch my beautiful children grow and learn.
So what would TJ say if he were here, reading my thoughts? I can hear him plainly say, “Mom, aren’t you over this yet? How long are you going to go on like this, it’s been several weeks now!” When I think of this, I just laugh, and he knew how to make us laugh – even at his own expense! He had a good sense of humor and knew when to bring it out. And for that, I am grateful for TJ, for laughter, for encouraging to move on and look forward to the future, for hope. I have always loved you TJ, even before I knew you and I will always love you!
Promises from God:
(He is fighting for me) Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”
(He is with me) Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake (forget) you.”
(He guides me) Psalm 32:8 “I (God) will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.”
(He protects me) Psalm 91:14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, (God), therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name.” (“he” refers to anyone who sets their love upon God!)
(He gives me strength) Isaiah 40:31 “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
(He gives me His word) Isaiah 55:11 “So shall My (God) word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”
(He provides for me) Matthew 6:31-33 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ “For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
(He gives me peace) John 14:27 “Peace I (God) leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
(He answers me) John 15:7 “If you abide in Me (God), and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”
(He gives me grace) 2 Corinthians 12:9 “And He (Jesus) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'”
(He always loves me) 1 John 4:9-10 “In this love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son (Jesus) into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (the act of gaining favor or goodwill) for our sins.”